I’ve considered some tragic endings for myself over temporary feelings. I questioned every decision I’ve ever made. 

I would make poor decisions for myself because my mindset made me feel unworthy.  Self harm made me feel better.. like I had a personal vengeance against myself.

   Depression can feel f**king paralyzing.  It makes my stomach ache to even think about actually facing issues I’ve been avoiding. I stay sad about the same things, then blame myself for not doing more to change my situation.  But it’s f**kin worse to think that I could still be sad about the same s*it in 5 years. 

  I started by embracing the depression as a part of who I am and trying to understand it a bit deeper. Getting help from counselors and temporary medications helped get me on to the right track to heal.

  Using a crutch like drugs & alcohol to numb the pain was always a delay of healing.  The high takes off the edge but hiding behind bad habits is emotional runaway.

I quit the shit for a sober approach.  It was a good way to practice self control. And with nothing better to do.. I was more likely to have new opportunities to make positive decisions for myself.

  Now, I’m not pushing a f**king 100% sober life.. get real. Things are okay in moderation.  But I feel better, look better and got some new healthier habits.  For me, choosing to be more in control of my bad habits was ultimately a game changer.

When I actively chose not to live in my pain, I recognized the strength that had brought me this far.  Experiences good & bad made me unique. I always say karma is real.  I bet the people who have caused my struggles have seen theirs too.  I can think of times that I hurt someone who cared more about me than I cared about myself.  I let my demon’s stand at the front of my personality as I lashed out.  Karma always got me back.

   I forgave myself for choices in my young years which helped me move on from the way I handled my past. I can’t blame myself for things I didn’t understand.   I accept my painful history lesson for a better future.

I fight with scars of experience now. I realized that yesterday is gone and all I can do is better today.

This is when hope and faith come in.  I can be hopeful that everything will be good and have faith in myself to make better choices. I’ve come to realize that whatever happens, happens for a reason. 

Only I can change how I’ve perceived my life up until now and only I can make a better outcome for my future.

   Facing my depression is the longest battle I’ll ever face, but the most important.   I won’t let it define me anymore. Baby steps are still progress. Just start somewhere. F**k Depression.. what’s next?